Screamify just ordered a second season of The Horrored Girls. Eleven episodes, weekly, starting October 7. Which means horror's most unhinged rating system is back for another run.
Quick refresher for anyone who still rates movies out of five stars like a coward. The show does not do stars. It does three meters, and every guest has to answer all three. Ranked, worst to best, which here means good to unbelievable.
3. The Prairie Dog Meter
Jump scares that make you pop straight up out of your seat. The most conventional of the three and still funnier than anything on a review aggregator, mostly because the name forces you to picture yourself doing it. It ranks last only because every horror fan already runs some version of this metric in their head. This one just has a better name than yours.
2. The Nightlight Meter
Will this haunt your dreams, or keep you up all night? The distinction is the whole point. A film that scares you in the theater and evaporates in the parking lot is a different animal from one that permanently reorganizes your relationship with hallways. This is the meter that separates a good scare from actual lasting damage.
1. The Martini Meter
How many martinis it would take to bang the villain. That is the entire metric. It is also, inconveniently for every serious critic alive, extremely useful. Horror has spent a hundred years making its monsters magnetic on purpose and nobody ever built a scale for it. These two did. Guests cannot dodge it.
Bonus: They Make the Guests Play Games
Rapid-fire challenges. Horror trivia. Monster makeup competitions. Guessing games. Every guest opens with a “Horrorigin” story and then gets run through whatever the hosts have built that week.
Season 1 ran 11 episodes with Chelsea Stardust, Anthony DiBlasi, David Blue Garcia, Jeff Farley, Patrick Fabian, Riley Dandy, Abby Wright, Michael Capes, Lee Waddell and Cheryl Meyer. All of it is streaming free on Screamify right now, which is a dangerous thing to learn at 11pm.
Hosts Geri Courtney-Austein and Harley Bronwyn are back for all 11 new ones. Season 2 guests are still under wraps. October 7. Set a reminder.
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